"Merciful one, begotten of woman,
understand / how difficult it is to trust that you are kind." -Anya Silver, "Fourth
Advent"
One morning just a few weeks ago -- this same month, in fact -- my
Facebook feed filled with the news that Dr. Anya Silver, a professor at my alma
mater, Mercer University, had passed away after a battle with inflammatory
breast cancer. I never took a course with Dr. Silver, but I consider Mercer my
first academic love, so I was still saddened to hear the news that our community had lost a remarkable member.
After reading a number of tales about how Dr. Silver had impacted
my peers' lives, I took interest in her poetry and ordered Second Bloom,
Dr. Silver's fourth book of poetry, and read most of the book the very first
time I sat down with it after it delivered to my front door. I was enthralled
by her language and quickly ordered I Watched You Disappear, her second book. The way she wrote about cancer was unlike anything I had read before; some of her poems
are dedicated to friends she made who also battled cancer, as well as to the
people she loved and knew she would leave behind, and even when describing the ugliest changes cancer inflicted upon her body, her words are
eloquent.
Reading the books, I thought of my mother-in-law, Kathy, who
battled cancer most of 2018. Kathy and I both lost our fathers to cancer, which we talked about sometimes, but she and I never discussed her case. I never wanted to be the one to bring it
up, and she never volunteered much information. A few months ago, I gave her a
copy of What Cancer Cannot Do, which is filled with positive
stories from cancer patients as well as reminders that, no matter what, cancer
cannot change the promise of eternal life for those who have accepted Jesus
Christ. I don't know if she ever read it. I wanted to share Dr. Silver's poetry
with Kathy, but it didn't feel right with Dr. Silver's death being so
recent.
The week after Dr. Silver passed away, Kathy and Russ headed to
Houston for a post-chemo scan to check on her status. Expecting that we would
hear a positive report from the scan, we were all in shock when the news was not
good. Richard looked at the scan and said he was not sure Kathy would make it
to December. Then, he saw her that weekend, and he was not sure she would make
it to October. The horrible, horrible disease was more aggressive than we
could have imagined.
Today, only four days after day 87, the day we're gonna remember
as a great day, Kathy passed away. I hesitated to share Dr. Silver's poetry
with her because I was afraid I would cause Kathy to contemplate or fear her
own death, but I wonder now if she was already thinking about those
things.
I have lots of things to say about Kathy and many fond memories of
our time together, and I am sure much of what I want to write will spill out
here at some point in the next eighty-two days. As for the family, I think we
can all rest a little easier knowing that Kathy was aware of how much she was
loved by so many people. I wish I
could take some of the pain from Russ, who has just loss the love of his life,
and Richard and his sisters, who have just lost the first woman who ever loved
them. The whole situation is unfortunate and unfair, but just like when
children cry out, "It's not fair!" and hope for a magical fix, there
is not much that can be done to make this go away or make it better. Similarly,
we can ask "Why?" over and over like children, but we might never get
a satisfactory answer. We have to find comfort in remembering the way she made
our lives, the lives of others, and the world a better place as we wait until
the next time we see her.
Personally, I like to imagine that when she opened her eyes, my
dad was there waiting for her. Maybe she even knew it was him from photos.
Everyone talks about how much he would have liked Richard, and I can see him
waving her in with a big grin, telling her she'd done a great job on Earth—especially as a mother—and inviting her on a grand tour of her new
heavenly home.
No comments:
Post a Comment